my faith story

Dear Reader,

To give you all context for this blog, I saw it fit to begin with what has led me to this moment, specifically through a lens of my faith. I was raised in Texas- that on its own speaks volumes. Additionally, I was brought up in a very loving Christian family. I want to make it clear that my family is not like the stories you hear about the South, nor was my Baptist church. Sure, it was a conservative area, but it was never any of the “you’re a sinner and will go to Hell if you don’t accept Jesus as your personal Savior” thrown in your face. It was and continues to be a very loving community, a family if you will. I personally witnessed my parents reaching out to the people often on the fringes of society and bringing them into our home. So, I feel lucky that I did not leave home at 18 with church hurt or an idea that faith was working to do enough right by God to escape the fiery pit of Hell.

After graduating high school, I started my undergraduate work at Baylor University, a confessional Baptist school in Waco, Texas. At this point, I did not actively pursue my faith aside from summers at church camp, so I did not expect my college experience to be particularly spiritual or religious. However, I fell into a friend group that encouraged me in my faith, not by explicitly talking to me about it, but by the way they lived, worshiped, and the conversations we had as a group. I recognized that many people had a joy in life and a passion for their faiths that I was lacking. One night early in my first semester I was at this on campus ministry and the speaker/director of the ministry challenged us to begin reading Galatians one chapter a day. Once we finished Galatians he challenged us to continue with the remaining epistles. I was so inspired that the next day I went to Memo, our colloquial term for a dining hall on campus, and read Galatians 1. After two weeks I felt like a completely new person. I had found joy in reading God’s word and in time I understood as time spent “with Jesus”. Suddenly I found myself at the end of Jude, the last book before Revelation, and a joy about life I had never experienced.

The following two and a half years can be categorized by excessive growth, deep friendships, joy, and the most fun I have ever had in my life. I will not bore you with the story because you all know it, but in the middle of my second semester of my second year at Baylor, 2020, covid devastated the world. While at home for months on end my covid hobby became researching the Bible. I primarily used the BibleProject and google to learn about the historical context of much of the Bible as well as how to read the different genres. I found it so fascinating that I decided to change my major from neuroscience to communications and religion- and I am still studying the Bible to this day!

As I began to take classes in religion at Baylor in the fall of 2020 I was confronted by ideas, thought patterns, and worldviews that I had never been exposed to before. It was as enlightening as it was challenging. For the first semester I will admit I was quite the menace and rejected much of what my Feminist Theology professor taught us, but as I continued to study my mind became gradually more open to a more historical-critical perspective of the Bible. While I affirm that it was a necessary step for myself and my faith I am still wrestling with all that I have learned and continue to learn. One particular challenge that began it all was the realization that so many other ancient near eastern texts bear similarities in writing styles and events to the biblical accounts. I may dive into those accounts in a later blog post, but today is all about my story. For your own inquiry refer to any ancient near eastern creation narrative or flood narrative.

By this time it’s spring 2021 and I began to feel as though I had opened a can of worms. I was starting to be really skeptical about the Bible’s authority and divine inspiration. Which at the time caused extreme tension in my mind and my body. Much of the foundation of my faith was built upon the Bible being authentic, and of course I recognized that the Bible could contain truth without it being factual, but this went deeper than that. This semester was the beginning of my doubts about God. They were extremely subtle and I did not talk much about them. That summer I interned at a church in Waco and my doubts continued to be more prevalent to me. At times it was doubting characteristics of God, but at other times it was a doubt of God’s existence altogether. Throughout the summer with a small group of people, I began to open up about these doubts. Not understanding where these doubts came from was spiritually very upsetting, and for most of the summer and fall of 2021 this cognitive dissonance sent me into a depression. At the end of 2021, I did start therapy and got the help I needed on some undealt with emotional and mental issues I had been dealing with but never spoke about.

My spiritual turmoil still continued during my final semester at Baylor, but I grew more comfortable with my doubts being a normal part of the Christian walk. Some days or weeks would have more doubts than others, but I was committed to persevering through the doubts and speaking up more about them. It was comforting to speak with more of my friends about my doubts, however it is still discouraging because there are not really answers to many of my doubts, because that is what faith is. One of my good friends called Neha read me this verse from Hebrews 11.1 “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” It appears that the very essence of faith lies in the act of doubting, for without this crucial element of questioning and uncertainty, faith cannot truly exist. For faith to be genuine, it must contain within it a seed of hope and trust that perseveres even in the face of the impossibility of God and matters of spirituality. This seems like a lovely place to end with a revelation that my doubts actually led to an increase in faith just as freshman Anna had prayed for. But of course the story does not end there.

I graduated Baylor and spent the summer at home truthfully trying to mend my faith that seemed unsalvageable and heal from a broken heart before moving to Scotland to begin a masters in Biblical Languages and Literature at the University of St. Andrews in the fall. It more or less worked. I did heal from the broken heart but did not confront what was going on in my spiritual life and pretended that it was fixed. Suddenly it was the end of August and I found myself on a plane headed towards a city I had never been to that I would live in for a year. The semester that followed was some of the most fun but also one of the most challenging semesters I have ever had mentally. By the church’s standard I engaged in so much debauchery, and neglected to take care of my emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual health. I was not really practicing my faith at this point so I did not really see it fit to take time for my spiritual well being. This semester was the only time in my life thus far that I really thought I might leave behind my faith. I could not rationalize how it could be real and I did not want to be associated with the reputation of Christianity. As I continued my studies of the Biblical text, I could not see it as anything more than ancient texts edited together by a redactor. At best, I regarded (and think I still regard) the Bible as ancient authors entering into a cross time conversation about God, people, and how the world works. I do believe the Bible is more nuanced than that, but that is a discussion for another blog post. I did start out the semester as part of a church, but I continually felt fake for being there worshiping someone I really did not believe in, praying over people when I felt I was praying to nothing, and reading from a Bible that I did agree with the teachings an interpretations being offered at the church (which I affirm is highly arrogant of me). I even had a brief Catholic phase, which was nice, but still did not really stick with it. So, I completely isolated myself from the church and any faith community in my first semester and that honestly is the only regret I have. Over Christmas I was back in the States and at my home church. I also traveled a bit to see friends, which was a reminder of how nice it is to be in community with people who deeply care about their own faith journey and about you. Not to discredit my friends who really do care for me, but a faith community was a need not being met.

Going into my second semester at St. Andrews I knew it was necessary to take part in church again despite my doubts about God and disagreement in theological issues within the church, which I will be diving into on this blog. So, after searching, you will never guess what church I ended up at, St. Andrews Baptist Church. I went to nearly every other type of church, trying my best to avoid my own Baptist roots, only to find myself once again at a Baptist church. But the people there were warm, welcoming, and loving. I never had to awkwardly introduce myself to anyone and they all remembered me when I went back the following week. I was able to immediately share my doubts and where I was at in my faith and was given the response of, “We are all trying to figure it out here too”. I could have hoped for no greater response.

My doubts still continue- and I do not foresee a day when they disappear, unless Jesus returns or I descend into an eternal sleep. And my days of disbelief in God far outweigh my days of belief. I actually cannot remember a day when I truly believed in the Christian God. I can confirm that I believe that someone or something had to begin the universe not in the way as outlined in the biblical account, but as a piece of the origins affirmed by science, a spark for the big bang if you will. And I do believe that Jesus actually existed, I hope that he resurrected and plans to return one day. For now that is enough for me to continue seeking God, if you want to call God that. As much as a skeptic as I am, I still think it is worth investigating the possibility of the things we cannot see, the possibility of a Divine that still interacts with us. Perhaps it is the persistence of the culture I was raised in, or perhaps there truly is something to it. I do know that at the times I was most spiritually in tune was a time marked by joy and love. And I will most likely continue my inquiry through a Christian lens because that is the one that I most understand. Nevertheless, whichever lens you find is easiest for you to seek the Divine through you are welcome into this space.

This brings us up to today and the reason for this blog. I want to create a space for myself and for you, dear reader, to wrestle with aspects of faith that I do not understand, cannot comprehend, or find bothersome. I will mostly be writing about my doubts and the journey that those doubts have brought me on. I would also like to hear from you and your faith journey, ways that you experience God, or questions you have about theology, the Bible, and God.

I am excited to begin this journey with you all. It may be uncomfortable at times for us both, but I am confident that it will ultimately bring more depth, love, and understanding into both of our lives.